Thank you for the comments.  I know I've been away lately.  But I just can't seem to really explicate my feelings in words anymore.  It's always the same old, " i eat and i eat and i don't know why."

but I am trying.  i recently told one of my closest friends about my problem and boy it does feel better but I wonder sometimes if it was even necessary.  I mean, once during a binge, i called her as a means to stop myself from eating but i couldn't evne tell her that.  i just began to talk to her like our usual telephone call and that was it.  i wasn't able to bring myself to tell her.  why not?  i mean she knows about it (and was very supportive too.).  why couldn't i tell her.?

Okay.  Not sure what is going on but I got my body fat and stuff tested last night:

I t hoguth I was losing!!!  Well it sure felt like it; I feel much more toned and less flabby...so how can my body fat INCREASE??  This simply cannot be accurate!!  the last time I got my body composition done it was only 22%!!!  Although this was a different scale from last time......the numbers scared me to pieces.  Another factor may be that the one last night sends a pulse only up to the abdominals where as the other one reads the entire body, i think.  I'll have to double check on that.  I think I should go back and get it done again on the original scale.  But i'm so scared.  What happens if it says 30%???  I had a dream about reaching 30% body fat once.  Maybe it's about to come true.  I'm so disgusted with myself.  It's sad because I was just feeling so great about my recent 2lb loss and then this happens.  How does everything get through this sorty of set back? 

This sort of thing just wants to send me off to a binge fest.  But I will try to stay strong.  This is so depressing.

Gonna try to work off that extra 6%body fat now.  ARGH.

***********EDIT********************

Thanks for all of your comments, it really helped.  Unfortunately, I let the binge take over me before I was even able to read them. 

I started to workout - did 15 mins of cardio and then went on to work on abs.  My glucose levels were low since I went to bed hungry, which translates to poor form for my exercises.  So I munch on half of a papaya.  Then I was going to hit the showers until I looked at all the food in kitchen and then I couldn't stay away.  I ate:

....then I stopped.  I was actuallly going to stop after the mashed potatoes but then i saw that there was a cookie there and the binge continued.  Almost a week, ALMOST!!  I can't believe I didn't even make it through 5 days.  After each item i ate, i just grabbed at the fat on my stomach and it just made me want to eat more.  Even the thought that I needed to look good for the weekend outing with my friends didn't help.  I can't stop....but, on the bright side, tomorrow will be a new day. 

I want to thank everyone for their support.  I really need it.

I had the biggest urge to binge this morning.  But then I started to do my workout and the urge subsided, at least temporarily.  I took a shower and then began what would've been a healthful breakfast/lunch. 

This adds up to almost 700 calories.  THEN, thank goodness, my buddy calls to notify me of our plans for this weekend: clubbing!  So my bingeing curbed.  Knowing that I have to look good for an event always helps.  I need to drink more water too.....lately, i just haven't been very thirsty.....

I've already planned on having one protein drink (90cal) for dinner and one more should I get hungry later on.  Let's hope I can stick with it.

After a binge on January 1, I felt extremely disgusted with myself.  I had eaten:

...and it just stopped there.  I mean, it hit me.  It really did.  I had a sudden urge to go to the gym but of course, it was late and I had work in the morning,so I just slept it off.  The next day began what seemed like the start of a binge but ended better.

I had ham, eggs, hashbrowns and french toast for breakfast.  Then after work, i stopped at the mall and treated myself to some cookies.  thank goodness, i stopped after 3 large ones.  Then i went home, had a sensible dinner of rice and chicken and an apple for dessert.  It was great, i felt absolutely proud for stopping my binge.  I brushed my teeth to ensure that I would not eat anymore and just lounged around.  Then later in the evening when I felt hungry (actually hungry, my stomach was growling), I opted for a glass of skim milk over the brownies left over from the holidays.  It felt great.

Then i went for a run the next day (monday) and ate sensibly, only 1000 calories!  I know that is not enough for ANY individual but I just wasn't hungry.!!    I have to up my calorie intake as I am not feeling all that great -- just woozy, getting chills, always cold and when I went onmy run this morning, I didn't have as much stamina as I usually do.  Gonna take more multi vitamins and protein drinks to supplement my lack of hunger.  I wonder why I am all of sudden just not hungry?!?!  Anyone got any ideas?  it's a good thing, i know, but i feel terrible physically. 

-------------------------------------EDIT------------------------------

Whoa...after coming home from work, i felt an urge to binge.  But, i tried to have some soup which satisfied my hunger and urge but then I really wanted something else....er...maybe everything else.  So i got myself a decent size slice of banana cake/bread.  it was good, i took 15 mins to eat it -- nice and slow!!  And now i am on Xanga writing about my accomplishment.  I feel good about being able to stop.  Let's hope this can continue.  BTW...the banana bread increased my caloric intake quite significantly (almost 400 cals!) so now i'm sitting at 1300 calories for the day (close to midnight now).  Let's hope that will supply me with enough stamina for my workout tomorrow.

****approx. 1300 calories....not bad...at least it's better than 3000 calories.

I also weighed myself today: 121lbs!!  Yay!  Lost two pounds over the last few days.  Not bad!